Saturday, May 9, 2009


"Was that supposed to be scary?" Gordon asked and Casey shrugged.

"Not necessarily," she said.

"Because it was rubbish at that, love," 

"It was just a story with the lyrics like the dice say, I wasn't trying to make it scary,"

"Well enough at that. You might have knackered a few OAP's with the mention of rock and roll but other than that it was a little mental,"

Casey glared at him and folded her arms across her chest.

"Suppose they tell some real bombs in London, Gordon?" Joe added and Gordon shrugged.

"How the fuck should I know? There were stories, sure enough, but nothing that would really raise hackles and all that,"

"Well go on then," Casey demanded, "I'd love to hear what you're sitting on,"

"Besides another man's lap?" Parker said and Gordon picked up a clod of dirt, hurling it at him.

"Shut your rot you cow," 

Casey offered him the die but he waved it off. 

"I'm choosing a one just like you got otherwise we're just comparing apples and ampersands,"

"What?" Casey said and Joe laughed

"I'm just surprised he knew ampersand,"

Shut it you lot, I'm starting. 

Once there was an old ocean, where anyone who saw it grew old with the sea. So we were terrified of water, and of all the sons and daughters no one dared to see. 

It was said that the man who discovered this stretch of beach was a sailor left to die by a mutinous crew of pirates. In those days, the Royal Navy was brutally hunting pirates operating in the seas that touched her empire, and many captains found themselves hanging from wharves and slowly rotting in the salty Dungenes breeze. 

The sailor was a young captain, easily duped by his crew into giving up the coordinates of an enormous stockpile that the captain had acquired since beginning his career as a cabin boy. They bound him to the mast and spat on him, laughing with rum soaked tongues as they left the open water and threw him into the shallows just off the southern coast of England. It had been a moment of opportunity for the crew as an island they could not find on their maps had come out of the fog and rolling seas to grace them with a place to leave the poor captain. They waved their asses at him as the ship disappeared on the horizon, leaving the captain with only a two-day ration of bread and no water. 

The captain became furious, for you see, he was building his wealth in order to pay for a wedding with his young love back on the main island and to think that men he once trusted were blindly spending it on drink and women made him sick with anger. What was worse, when the fog lifted he could clearly see that he was no more than a few hundred yards from the home shores of England, but the seas were too rough for a raft to survive on. Many times he attempted to swim off of the island but the current and the waves drug him back to that horrible shore.

As thirst and weariness took hold of his sanity, the young captain forsook God and pledged his soul to the Devil in exchange for revenge against the men who stole his life. A terrible howl erupted from the sea and a squid-like monstrosity burst from the waves, its great eyes staring down at the emaciated captain and its tentacles scarring the clouds in the sky. It opened its massive beak and roared.

"WHAT DOST THOU ASK OF CTHULU?" it demanded, the voice tearing cloth and flesh from the captain as its waves grazed him.

"That my former crewmates be brutally punished for what they've done to me and that this island be a prison for their souls," the captain said, mustering what little strength he had left. 

The beast returned to the sea and moments later returned clutching the captain's boat in it's massive spongy arms. With frighteningly deft movements it ripped the men from the boat, one by one, and mutilated them before the captain. When it was over, the shore was littered with the bloody mess that was formerly a crew and the captain was bathed in their frothing juices.

But the captain, in his haste for revenger, had forgotten his pledge. Cthulu had not. With a swipe of his tentacle the captain's legs were broken at the knees and he fell into the bloody sand, yelping in agony.

"If this is a prison for these damned souls, you shall be their jailer," roared the beast and it tore the flesh from his bones, scattering it amongst the vegetation a hundred yards from where he had stood. 

It is said that the captain's soul forced the crew he'd punished to build themselves an impenetrable fortress of pain and misery. That anyone alive who visits the shore will age in seconds until they die upon the beach and are collected by the unholy jailer. Many sailors have come to port with shocks of white hair, speaking of sand made from bones and trees caked in blood. 

"The end," 

"Was that supposed to be scary?" said Casey and Joe laughed.

"Fuck you both, that scared the Jesus into me when I was a kid," 

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Junkyard Dogs

"What is it that is the correlation between campfires and scary stories?"

"Not sure Gordon, I suppose camping isn't a common activity across the pond is it?"

"Fuck if I know, the most I can tell you chaps about ole Blighty is that she gives a wicked blowjay. Doesn't mean I call er' in the mornin."

Before Mali inquired further on the meaning of Gordon's statement, Casey put her hand on Mali's shoulder and shook her head.

"....anywho, I rolled a 1 and I'm feeling randy so I'm going if you kids want to gather around."

"Only if you explain to me who randy is and why you are feeling him. I mean I knew Gordon was gay but you?"

"You cheeky cunt."

"You get one Gordon and you just used it."

"What did I say?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go."

There once was a man named Leroy Brown

"The baddest man in the whole damn town?"

"The very same Casey."

Leroy had quite the reputation among those that traveled his circles. He never left the house without his razor or his 32, a fact young Charles was not aware of. Leroy was a towering man at 6'4, accented by his gaudy jewelry, three rings on each hand that spelled "Bad Man" in diamonds. Charles didn't care for that either. He was a simple man who recently married a wonderful girl by the name of Doris. Leroy was often referred to as the treetop lover, a phrase that stroked his ego even more than references to him having the capability of taking on King Kong himself, were he not fictional. Leroy attempted to make advances toward Doris, a move that was swiftly denied. Leroy's egotism would not allow for such a rebuke and he pursued further. After all, that was his town, his Eldorado outside, his custom Continental waiting at his lavish house to be filled with women. It had been awhile since his dogs had been fed. Some said that Leroy's glare could petrify even the most savage of mutts. Charles paid those whispers no mind and continued sipping his drink, that was until Leroy had pushed it a little too far. Leroy's advancements on Doris escalated to the point where his hand was on her shoulder. With that Charles had had enough. No one speaks of what happened that night aloud, but in the comfort of their homes, the people whispered. Their murmurs and insinuations rang of a very interesting tune. That Leroy found himself at the end of Charley's bottle. That the baddest man left the bar leaving some of himself behind, unintentionally. But those are but the tales of wives who would dare not speak in Leroy's presence.